A Current Events Essay by Anghel
by Ysavvryl
Summary: The list of subjects for this stupid homework assignment were all boring, so I picked apart the least boring suggestion, the Pidgeolympics.


What does any of that matter?! That current event list is going to be of no use to me now or in the future. The Pigeolympics could be interesting to write about, but it hasn't gone on yet so there's nothing to say. Of course, the athletes competing there won't be nearly as powerful as the forces of heaven or hell. They probably could be trained by either side, but without supernatural powers or the ability to operate giant mechas, they'll only end up as pawns no matter what their athletic achievements are.

Let's take the triathlon birds who have to run, swim, and bike all in one go. It sounds impressive, but they've got to train mostly their legs in all three parts. While they should still be able to fly (unless they're unintelligent enough to train their legs to the detriment of everything else), their skills are tied to the ground and water whereas a righteous angel will be skilled on the ground, in the water, in the air, and especially in space. The angel is going to leave the triatheletes in the holy dust.

Then that holy dust will convert a few of the race leaders into agents of Heaven, which will make them infinitely more awesome. However, they'd have to give up their earthly drive to fame and fortune through the Pidgeolympics in order to train under the swift angel so that they're up to fighting in the eternal war of Heaven and Hell. And they are sorely needed there. Given the incidents of demonic spores and all the clandestine political battles of the Hawk and Dove parties, it is clear that the forces of Hell are in greater power within our world. See, that's why this paltry list of current events is full of things that don't matter, because it's all a facade for the real workings of the universe.

It's all a deception of the dark prince of lies! The Hawks want us to kill and go to war, so they are very clearly fiendish agents of Hell trying to make sure that the poor suffering Earth never knows true peace. In that case, one would think that the peace-seeking Doves are working for Heaven, right? Wrong, that's just what they want you to think! They are secretly also agents of Hell. After all, they are politicians.

Politics and government are merely a deceptive play that goes on through the entire world. The baneful prince of lies orchestrates this as a distraction, giving birds insignificant issues to argue with while planting seeds of sin and doubt. When that harvest comes (and it comes very quickly these days), we become so jaded and selfish that we don't care about the important matters. But we should! Your souls are at stake, do not lose the clarity of your mind to the fog of political nonsense!

Also, why hasn't there been an aerial obstacle course added to the Pidgeolympics? That seems like the perfect sport for showing how skilled a bird athlete is, in a way that humans cannot match! They could have things like weaving through forest foliage, fighting through cross-currents, and avoiding the treacherous clean pane of glass. Sure, perch gymnastics are cool, but it's set up so unnaturally that it calls back the days of birdcages! An aerial obstacle course would show off skills and honor the fight for survival that our ancestors had to go through, even with the window in the middle of it. At least it is the summer games now and not the absurdity of the winter games with ice skating, skiing, and tobogganing.

I'd try out a toboggan myself to show off the absurdity of it, definitely not because it looks fun or something insignificant like that. I'm the guy in the shadows watching over the transformed and blessed triathletes to make sure that they complete their angelic training without being disrupted by agents of Hell that would crush them to a feathery paste this soon. No, I don't work for Heaven because I'm a fallen angel. But having seen both sides, I would rather that Heaven win out to instate a divine peace and equality on Earth that will last a thousand years. I'm the mysterious sort that works alone and guides the heroes of Heaven to their destinies. Perhaps my past sins will not allow me to see the thousand year reign of Heaven, but I could rest in peace knowing that it will happen with complete certainty.

Talking of the summer games, isn't weight-lifting a ridiculous event? They've been parroting the human Olympics far too much in stuff like that. According to my detailed research on the internet, there was some fuss early on about the methodology of a gold-medalist crane which led to the division between beak lifting, foot lifting, wing lifting, and lifting in flight. They really should have thought of that in the first place, that different birds are better at different methods of lifting. I think wing lifting is one they should drop because no bird can lift as impressively there as the other three events. And it leads to trouble when other birds try to mimic wing lifters and end up damaging themselves. Not that I have any personal experience with that, since I can lift things with my mind due to my angelic blood. I just don't most of the time because it would unnerve everybirdie else.

Still, what can those buff peanut-brained weight lifters do against the forces of Heaven or Hell? Not a lot, I can tell you that. Especially when either side breaks out divine and hellish superweapons like giant mechas and flaming swords. We're trained to fight for our ideals and the way we want the world to be, while they're trained just to show off. I could tell you about an inspiring but tragic battle that took place recently. That's current. But this will be at the word minimum for this assignment, so I'm done.

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 _A/N: Although the site disagrees, this story is meant to be exactly 1000 words._


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